感情蓄储 (1/165)

The Emotional Bank Account

  The Emotional Bank Account is like a financial bank account in one way: you can make "deposits" -- actions that build trust -- or you can make "withdrawals" that decrease it. It represents the quality of the relationship you have with other people. If you have a high balance, then communication is open and free. Let me share ideas for " deposits" you can make in your family:

感情蓄储

   感情银行储蓄和金融银行储蓄在某个方面是相似的，那就是你既可"存款"，即做增加信任的举动，也可"取款"，即做削弱信任的举动。它代表着你和他人之间关系的好坏。如果你帐户上余额很高，那么你同亲友交往就可以无话不谈，无拘无束。下面介绍一下我对在家里如何进行感情储蓄的几点看法：

Cultivate Kindness. Many years ago I spent an evening out with two of my sons. In the middle of the movie, Sean, then four, fell asleep. His older brother Stephen, six, stayed awake, and we watched the rest of the movie together. When it was over, I carried Sean to the car. It was cold, so I took off my coat and gently put it over him. When we arrived home, I carried Sean in, then lay down next to Stephen to talk. Suddenly he asked, " Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me, too?" Of all the events of our night out together, the most important was a little act of kindness -- a showing of love to his brother.

   培养爱心:许多年以前，我和我的两个儿子在外面过了一个愉快的夜晚。在看电影的过程中，当时4岁的肖安睡着了。他6岁的哥哥斯蒂芬没有睡，和我一起看完了电影的后半部分。电影演完后，我将肖安抱上汽车。天气很凉，所以我把外衣脱下来轻轻地盖在了他的身上。当我们到家时，我把肖安抱到屋里，然后躺在斯蒂芬旁边和他说起话来。突然间，他问："爸爸，如果我很冷，你也会用你的外衣给我盖上吗?"那天晚上我们一起在外面做了不少事，对他来说最重要的事竟然是一个极为平常的举动，一个对他弟弟表现爱心的举动。

　In relationships, the little things are the big things. They go a long way toward building trust and unconditional love. Just think about the impact in your family of using words of courtesy such as thank you and please. Or unexpected acts of service, such as taking children shopping for something that's important to them. Or finding little ways to express love, such as leaving a note in a lunch box or briefcase.

    在家庭成员之间的关系中，小事情就是大事情。在建立信任和培养无条件的爱的方面，这种小事所起的作用可不小。想一想在家里使用一些像"谢谢"和"劳驾"这类礼貌用语的效果吧。或者是为家人做些他们想不到的事情，比如带孩子们去买对他们来说很重要的东西。或者想出一些表示爱的小点子，比如在午饭盒里或是公文包里留个条子等。

Earn an "A" : apologize. Perhaps nothing tests our capacity to initiate change as much as saying "I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. That was wrong of me."

"Sweetheart, I apologize for cutting you off. I was so rude. Please forgive me."

　 得一个"A"，即道歉最能检验我们打破僵局的才能，莫过于说一句："很抱歉，我不应该在你的朋友面前使你难堪，是我的错。"

   "亲爱的，我非常抱歉打断你，我太无理了，请原谅我。"

Sometimes apologizing incredibly hard, but the effort says, "Our relationship is very important to me." And that kind of communication builds the Emotional Bank Account.

Learn loyalty. Next to apologizing, one of the most important deposits a person can make is to be loyal to family members when they are not present. In other words, talk about others as if they were there. That doesn't mean you're unaware of their weaknesses. It means, rather, that you focus on the positive -- and that if you do talk about weaknesses, you do it in such a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to have the person overhear it.

   有时道歉是难以想象的困难，但是做出努力去道歉实际等于告诉对方："我很重视我们之间的关系。"而这种交流能增加感情银行存款。

   学会忠诚在家庭成员不在场的时候，对他们忠诚，也是一种存款"方式，其重要性仅次于道歉。换句话说，谈论他们时，就只当他们在场。这样做并不表示你对他们的弱点一无所知。而是说你着重谈他们的优点，谈起他们的缺点时，要采用这种方式，即你所谈的人无意中听到你说的话，你也坦然，无须感到内疚。

A friend had an 18-year-old son whose habits annoyed his brothers and sisters. When the boy wasn't there, the family often talked about him. At one point, this friend decided to follow the principle of being loyal to those not present. When such conversations developed, he gently interrupted and said something good that he had observed his son doing. Soon the conversation would shift to more interesting subjects.

 Our friend said he soon felt that the others began to connect with this principle of family loyalty. They realized that he'd also defend them if they were not present. And in some unexplainable manner -- perhaps because he started seeing his son differently -- this change improved his Emotional Bank Account.

   我有一朋友，他有个18岁的男孩，他的生活习惯令他的兄弟姐妹很讨厌。当那个男孩不在家时，家里人经常谈论他。然而这个朋友决定采取忠实于不在说话现场的家庭成员的原则。当这种议论有些出格时，他委婉地打断话题，并讲了他亲眼看见儿子做的一件好事。很快话题转到更有趣的问题.

   我那个朋友说，不久他就发现，他的其他孩子把忠实于家成员的原则与自己联系了起来，认识到有人议论他们的缺点时，他也会为他们说话。说不清这是怎么回事，也许是由于他开始从不同的角度来看他的那个儿子，这一变化增加了他的感情银行储蓄。

　Make -- and keep -- promises. Over the years people have asked if I had one simple idea that would help others cope with problem, seize opportunities and make their lives successful. I gave a four-word answer: "make and keep promises."

 My daughter, Cynthia, recalls something that happened when she was 12 years old: Dad promised to take me with him on a business trip to San Francisco. We talked about the trip for months. After his meeting, we planned to take a cab to Chinatown and have our favorite food and see movie, I was dying with expectation.

  我的女儿，辛西娅，回忆起她12岁时发生的一件事："爸爸答应在他出差去旧金山时带我一起去。关于这次旅行我们谈论了好几个月。我们计划在他开完了会之后，坐出租车去中国城，吃我们最爱吃的东西，然后去看一场电影。我特别盼望这次旅行。"

　"The day finally arrived. The hours dragged by as I waited for Dad to finish work. At about 6:30, he arrived with an influential business acquaintance who wanted to take us to dinner. My disappointment was bigger than life.

 "I will never forget Dad saying to him,'I'd love to see you, but this is a special time with my girl. We've got it planned to the minute.' We did everything. That was just about the happiest time of my life. I don't think any young girl ever loved her father as much as I loved mine that night." I'm convinced that you would be hard pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family than making and keeping promises.

    "这一天终于来到了。我等着爸爸完成他的工作，时间过得真慢。6：30分的时候，他回来了，还带了一位很有影响的、生意上的熟人，那个人想请我们去吃饭，这对我来说是件最倒霉的事。"

    我永远也忘不了爸爸对他说的话"我非常愿意接受您的邀请，不过今晚我和女儿有活动，我们已经做了详细的安排"。那天我们玩了个痛快。那是我一生中最快乐的时光。我想，任何女儿都没有像我在那天晚上那样爱我的爸爸。对于家人要做承诺并且一定要说话算数，这种感情储蓄对家庭的影响最大，对此我深信不疑。

　Don't forget to forgive. For many, the ultimate deposit to the Emotional Bank Account comes in forgiving. When you forgive, you open the channels for trust and unconditional love. You cleanse your heart. You also remove a major obstacle that keeps others from changing -- because when you don't forgive, you put yourself between people and their conscience. Instead of spending their energy on work with their own conscience, they spend it defending and justifying their behavior to you.

 As you begin to make deposits in the Emotional Bank Account, you may see positive results immediately. More often it will take weeks, months, even years. But results will come, and you will be astonished at the change.

     记住要宽恕别人对许多人来说，感情储蓄中最重要的投入是宽恕。只有宽恕，才有信任，才有不讲条件的爱。你的爱变得更纯洁，也排除了阻碍别人改正错误的巨大障碍，因为你要是不肯原谅别人，你其实是阻碍他们认识自己的不对之处。这就会使他们总在为自己的不对找出种种理由，进行辩护，而不去想想自己是否有不对之处。

    你开始在感情银行"存款"的时候，你很快就可以看到好的结果。但多数情况下，要经过数周、数月，甚至数年时间才能看到成果。但是一定会有成果的。而且你一定会对这些成果带来的变化感到惊讶。